PARIS — The longing and sorrow from losing a pet can surprisingly persist for months, often catching pet owners off guard.
It might hit when owners notice once more the stark quietness in the house since their cherished feline companion passed, or when they stumble upon their former dog’s leash, triggering bittersweet memories of joyous walks together.
For grieving pet owners, the loneliness can feel even more profound when friends and family do not understand how to support them, particularly if those friends have never owned pets themselves or feel unsure about how to deal with grief.
So how can pet owners and their friends better manage pet-related bereavement? Experts in pet loss offer some sage advice:
Understand that feeling deeply upset is entirely normal. For some, the loss of a pet feels more devastating than losing a human loved one. This is not a measure of one’s character, but rather highlights the profound bonds that can exist between humans and animals.
Pets, for some, are integral to daily life. “They might share your bed and your couch and be the one being you engage with every day,” explains E.B. Bartels, author of “Good Grief: On Loving Pets, Here and Hereafter.” She points out that some individuals feel more at ease with animals than with people, making such losses particularly challenging.
Listening without judgment can offer immense comfort. Individuals unfamiliar with pet companionship may struggle to grasp the depth of such relationships. Comments like “It was just an animal,” or “They were lucky to have you” might be intended kindly but often make grieving owners feel isolated. Annalisa de Carteret, a manager of a pet-loss helpline at Blue Cross, a U.K. animal welfare charity, advises against making assumptions. “Let them express their feelings without offering superficial reassurances,” she suggests.
Avoid trite phrases, such as “‘Get a new pet’ or ‘He lived a long life.’ These do not necessarily provide solace because the owner already knows these things. What they seek is understanding and a patient ear.”
People can form strong emotional ties with any type of pet, irrespective of its size or longevity. “For instance, some people mourn a pet lizard as deeply as others might a fluffy kitten,” Bartels shares. She recounts an anecdote: “My friend’s father was heartbroken when a raccoon decimated his koi pond, showing how his connection to those koi was deeply personal and real.”
Bartels proposes that friends offer practical support, like joining the bereaved owner on a stroll. “Losing a pet can mean losing a social routine,” she says. “When someone frequents a dog park and forms bonds through shared activities, the loss of the pet disrupts that social network and sense of belonging.”
Feelings of guilt often accompany pet loss, de Carteret warns. Blue Cross receives about 30,000 pet-loss support inquiries annually, many of which include owners fearing that their actions may have contributed to their pet’s passing. “Questions like, ‘Could I have done more?’ or ‘Was there an action I missed?’ are common,” de Carteret says.
This guilt can intensify if the grief over a pet exceeds that felt for a human relative, leading to internal conflict. “It’s not uncommon, yet expressing it can feel awkward and is less often shared in conversation,” she notes.
Can acquiring a new pet ease the pain? While it might help, it is not a cure-all. New pets come with their own quirks and won’t necessarily replace the bond that existed with the previous animal. The challenge of raising a new pet, especially if it is young, can be quite different from caring for a settled, older pet.
Grieving a pet is a process that cannot be rushed and may last indefinitely. Bartels shares her personal experience of losing her dog, Seymour, last June. “June will be tough again as that anniversary approaches,” she confesses.
Similarly, de Carteret preserves her pet’s memory by keeping the ashes near her fireplace, her dog’s favorite resting spot. “Some may find this unusual,” she says, “but it is her own way of processing grief. Ultimately, finding your way to cope is key.”
